Vortex Blaster

I built this by scaling up a toy I found on the internet called an airzooka. The toy was only half this size and you pulled the elastic back by hand like a catapult. This limited both power and accuracy, watching videos of the toy in action it was only accurate up to about 10 feet and could just push a foam plastic coffee cup off the desk. I scaled everything up and then fitted very strong elastic which then needed a lever action to load it and a proper trigger to hold it while you took aim. The scoring targets were balloons on the other side of the hall send one flying to win a lollipop. When I was low on customers I naturally picked off the committee and craft people, Very impressive it was, accurate and powerful at over 40 feet. For full details scroll down.




( New from Santa’s Secret Weapons Development Laboratories)

Based on the torroidal vortex, with high velocity axial propagation, the self sustaining, re-entrant, three dimensional gas flow (codename smoke-ring), can carry a payload of photon scattering micro-particles (codename smoke). The tracer micro-particles are generated by thermally activating a 70% hydration of triethylene-glycol (codename vapour). The design of this weapon has been developed from the American handheld weapon (codename Airzooka) with the addition of tracer micro-particles as an S.S.W.D.L. innovation but subsequently found to be pre-dated by another American weapon (codename zero blaster).

Energy for the radially disruptive, remote impact turbulence of the vortex blaster comes as a short compressive impulse from triggering the release of the extension stress in very high restitution coefficient, long polymer, low hysteresis, elastomeric loop ribbons (codename rubber-bands). The resulting explosive shock-wave is directed towards the main chamber’s wavefront shaping orifice (codename bucket).

This is constructed from the basic injection moulded component with an incised, circumferentially constricted base vent, the rim of which induces 3600 inwards radial deflection via wind-shear eddies, thus generating and launching the torroidal vortex. Impulse energy replenishment is from the oxidation of carbohydrates in physiologically-active fibres controlled electrochemically by the operator’s neural network. (codename pull)

The field unit prototype has two major control levers. Control A selects Stealth or Tracer in stealth mode the energy vortex is rendered invisible so as to strike the intended target without warning, giving no chance for evasive action. Control B is calibrated as Stun, Cripple or Kill.  For the purposes of human public demonstration this control is locked into stun mode and supplies of biological-weapons grade, micro-particulate irritants (codename powder) are not loaded.  The Mark2 unit will accept stealth haz-mats (codename gas) and high calorific value, low flash-point flammables especially useful against smokers.

This weapon was primarily developed for use by Santa’s Elves in the on-going toy wars with the Evil Goblins. Goblins being very small and skinny the impact force of the torroidal vortex is sufficient to stun them long enough for a human volunteer to get there and stamp on them. In cripple mode the bio-active payload is an epidermal irritant derived by pulverising shavings from an exotic wood known as Iroko which on a Goblin’s thin skin results in it scratching right through till it bleeds, infection then does the rest, arms and legs dropping off in a few days. In kill-mode the human bio-active payload is an extract from the leaves of a kind of Yarrow known as sneeze-wort. Goblins have extremely thin brittle necks which easily break off with a human-sized sneeze.

This prototype weapon is not available for purchase but is supplied supervised to Santa’s Grotto on the strict understanding that it will be used only for the purposes of Elsenham Community Association enrichment and general mischief.

Intellectual Property Rights Licenses are negotiable, bona-fide enquiries to;

Chief Weapons Development Officer


Santa’s Grotto (Annex A)


CM22 6EP (5)